Pam was a 48 year-old divorced mother of 3 girls recently married to a fellow divorcee with 3 children of his own. This year Pam’s kids will spend Easter, and Fourth of July with her ex-husband and spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with Pam and her new husband Bob. Bob’s kids will also be spending Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve with him while his ex wife will have them over for Christmas Day. This schedule will be switched for next year’s holidays. It sounds complicated doesn’t it?
Well with half America’s marriages ending in divorce, this picture is familiar across many families in the country.
Today, at least one-third of all children in the U.S. are expected to live in a stepfamily before they reach age 18. The blended family is becoming more of a norm than the exception. Born of conflict and loss, newfound commitment, and often heart-wrenching transition, stepfamilies face many lifestyle adjustments and changes.
Fortunately, most blended families are able to work out their problems and live together successfully. But it takes careful planning, open discussions of feelings, positive attitudes, mutual respect and patience.
Many on the outside might think…how hard could it be? If Frank and Carol on Step by Step could do it, why can’t you? The term stepfamily may suggest Cinderella’s troubled family or the eerily perfect Brady Bunch. Actually, neither situation tells the whole story.
Here are some common myths about blended families:
MYTH #1: Love occurs instantly between a stepchild and stepparent.
Although you love your new partner, you may not automatically love his children. Likewise, the children may not automatically love you because you are a nice person. Establishing relationships does not happen magically overnight.
MYTH #2: Children of divorce and remarriage are damaged forever. Children go though a painful period of adjustment after a divorce or remarriage.
MYTH #3: Stepmothers and stepfathers are wicked.
Cinderella, Snow White, and more are timeless fairytales that feature stepparents who are unkind or unfair, new stepparents may be confused about their roles. You may be a wonderful person who wants to do a good job, but the negative model of the stepparent can impact you in a very personal way, making you self-conscious about your new role.
MYTH #4: Adjustment to stepfamily life occurs quickly.
Couples are optimistic when they remarry. They want life to settle down and to get on with the business of being happy. However, it can take a long time for people in newly blended families to get to know each other, to create positive relationships, and to develop a family history.
MYTH #5: There is only one kind of family A stepfamily doesn’t have to be – and probably won’t be – “just like” a biological family. Today, there are lots of kinds of families: first marriage, second marriage, single parent, foster, stepfamily. Each type is different; each is valuable.
The holidays are time to share with family and friends. Bringing together a blended family may be easier said than done. Everyone will need time to adjust and you may not get it right this Thanksgiving or this Christmas. But maybe next Christmas or the Christmas after that, you all will be closer to sharing the spirit of the holidays together as what has become America’s new type of family.
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