
Helicopter parent questionnaire
Many boomers are already parents and are bracing themselves for the challenges that come with being a grand parent. Many others are just beginning to come to terms with the immense challenges that come with living and parenting teenage children. But what really is the role and responsibility of being a parent or a grand parent? And how do you distinguish between fulfilling children’s needs and spoiling them? How do you protect your children (and grand children) without being over protective? How do you teach them right from wrong without imposing yourself self on them?
These are serious questions for today’s boomers and believe it or not, the answers to these questions lie in the ability for boomers to detach themselves from the roles of parents and grandparents. Problems arise only when these parenting roles become the sole source of identity for the baby boomer parents. In other words, the root of the problem is the baby boomer parents’ unwillingness to let go of the need to be needed by their children and grandchildren. Haven’t we seen countless 40 year olds being told by their mothers that they know what’s best for them. There is no authentic relationship because the parents seem to be drawing their sense of identity from being in control as the parental authority figure. When this controlling attitude is challenged by the adult (or even teenage) child, the parents tend to revert to playing the blame game.
On the periphery it looks as if these baby boomer parents are concerned about their children’s and grand children’s well being; but in reality it’s the parent’s ego that’s unable to let go of the controlling parental role. The ego is always in pursuit of fulfilling some overt or covert selfish motive, and this is typically the case in overly intrusive or “helicopter” parents. The antidote to these phenomena is self awareness – self awareness is that fresh ray of sunlight that has the power to banish all such ego-generated demons. If we had the luxury to listen in on a boomer parent’s covert inner dialogue, it would be as follows (such covert self-talk is so unconscious that even we ourselves aren’t aware of it):
“I want you to be what I couldn’t become”
“I will continue to love you if you do what I want”
“I sacrificed a lot for you; therefore you are not permitted to disappoint me”
“If you disobey me, I will make you feel utterly guilty until you give in to what I
want from you”
etc..
Psychological articles inform us that the key is to bring such ulterior motives out of the dungeons of the subconscious mind by being highly aware and sincere with our selves. Once these thoughts and intentions surface, we are usually amazed at how much of a grip the ego has on us. The more “past” people share with each other, the more there is a need for heightened self awareness. The reason why people find it easier to be with friends as compared to family members is because there is a greater shared “past” with family. This was well summed up by Ram Dass when he said, “if you think you are so enlightened, go and spend a week with your parents”.
Needless to say, there is a need for boomer parents and grand parents to learn to let go of parenting roles that are no longer required. When raising babies and younger children, parents need to be protector and caretaker, provider and role model. With adults, parents need to be a gentle, graceful and compassionate source of wisdom. Moving appropriately into and out of these roles is what parenting is all about.
The Psychological Article on Boomers as helicopter parents and grand parents is part of Boomer Yearbook’s continuing series of baby boomers psychological coaching tips and how to alleviate elderly problems. We believe knowledge is power. We’d love to hear what you think.
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