Dear Boomer. Is your sex life normal?
Baby boomer men and women who have enjoyed a lengthy marriage and then suddenly lose their partners can enjoy mature relationships with new partners over many years before they finally throw in the sexual towel and hang up the condoms.
Taking your life in your hands can be scary when it comes to dating new people in maturity but it need not be an unpleasant experience. What on earth would be the point of torturing yourself through an agonizing evening of discomfort when the object of the exercise is to enjoy the moment?
For many baby boomer widows in a position to enjoy a sexual relationship with new people, the problem is not one of enthusiasm but of physical embarrassment coupled with the fear of what people might think and say. It is true that many baby boomer widows live in close communities where starting dating again might be viewed with prurient interest by friends and neighbors. However, that does not mean you should stop doing it!
Immediately following bereavement, many widows experience bizarre sexual fantasies that might include sex with the local postman, sex with a close friend or even group sex. These fantasies usually have to do with an assurance of being ‘alive’ rather than a genuine sexual urge and usually these feelings pass and are replaced by an appetite for a more appropriate sexual relationship.
Some widows deliberately seek out younger men for a variety of reasons: younger men are viewed as being less likely to demand a long term commitment and they can provide a greater physical excitement and fulfilment. Other widows are engulfed by memories and find it difficult to move on to a physical relationship with a man who is not their husband; even feeling guilty, as if they are being disloyal or unfaithful in some way to their deceased partner.
Women who decide to return to dating after bereavement sometimes do so under pressure from friends who think she has ‘grieved for long enough’. The grieving process is different for everyone and most baby boomer widows are old enough to decide independently on whether they are ready to start a physical relationship again.
For widows considering a return to a sexual relationship, it is advisable to remember that the rules have changed somewhat over the past thirty years. Always use a condom to protect against sexually transmitted diseases, always let a good friend know where you are and who you are with and let your date know that your friend knows where you are, pay your own bill and for the first few dates, limit your alcohol intake to a glass of wine so you can drive yourself home should you want to leave early.
Try not to involve family early in a relationship to avoid being judged when the relationship ends and a new one begins: nobody likes to think Mom is turning rampant and most children imagine their mothers are exempt from sexual urges, no matter how old she is!
The Psychological Article on Sex and The Widow is part of Boomer Yearbook’s continuing series of baby boomers psychological coaching tips and how to alleviate elderly problems. We believe knowledge is power. We’d love to hear what you think.
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